Its just me.. I think

Ones you love

2006-04-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

It is intresting to me how much love you can have for someone. On my birthday the love of my life proved to me just how right he is for me and how much I really need him. See yesterday was my birthday and things weren't going as well as I would have pictured. Some people in my family, ones that are really important to me, feel that I shouldn't be getting married. He( the family member) cant seem to be happy for anyone who is happy because he isn't happy himself. When he found out I was getting married he tried to make everything about him. Anyhow he called me and wished me a happy birthday, talked to me about family things, and left me in tears. I call my favorite Aunt to ask about a rumor and find out many horrible things that have happened to my family. Anyhow I am feeling overwhelmed because I am stressed about the wedding, Finals, work, my family, and my father telling me I shouldn't get married and then Josh, my beloved, called and told me he wouldn't be coming to my house until today. I needed him so he decided to come up. I had gone straight home to find my house decorated, 2 dozen red roses on the table, and dinner cooking in the crock pot. I went and laid down and then Josh came in my room and held me. He just held me and let me talk to him until I felt good enough to continue the day.

I have never had the feeling that every thing would be ok, just because I was in his arms. Love is such a great feeling. I pray that everyone will be able to feel this feeling at least once in there life time.

Keep your chins up
R

IT has finally happend

2006-03-30T16:58:00.000-08:00

So I am engaged. I just sort of happened. I was dating this guy for about 3 weeks and one night we were talking and decided that we were ready to get married. I know alot of people would be shocked at how fast it happened but it hasn't felt like that. Since the first time we meet , in person, it has felt like we belonged together. We actually meet on-line last July. It has been awsome. I am so overwhelmed with wedding plans that I feel like that is all I can handle.
He is perfect for me, he is so completely different then me that it makes me feel comforted to be with him. Well I must go now but I just had to say it happend and before I turned 26.

A good friend would be happy

2006-02-23T08:55:00.000-08:00

So J, my best friend, has hinted that he is going to be getting married. As his best friend I should be competely ecstatic for him and yet I can't seem to make myself be. See here is the deal we are the same age, I am two weeks older, and our lives are pretty much the same. We go to the same ward, we both work full time and we both go to school. We have been inseparable for a little of a year and within 4 weeks my world has completely changes. J met a girl, A, and now they are inseparable and I am an after thought. We have near gone longer then 12 hrs without talking to each other and this week alone he has forgotten me two days in a row. See I want to be happy that he has found the love of his life and I would be except I have been wanted to get married for years now and he didn't even want to go on a date until he graduated. I have been dating and he has been on one date in the past three years. I guess I am just jealous because things seem to be handed to him. He has never really had to work for anything. When he wanted a new job the opportunity was given, his future wife was handed to him and when he needed a new car the perfect deal came up. For me I have worked hard for everything. I have put in resumes and gone out every day for weeks looking for a new job, I have had to work my butt off to find a car that I can afford, I go on a date, It seems to be going well and then the guy never calls me again. I cant seem to pull myself out of this rut of negativity. I have tried praying, reading my scriptures, being alone, pretending I am ok . Yet nothing works , How do I make myself get over these feelings and learn to be happy for him? I really want to be a good friend. I hate being "a girl" and yet that is where I am . Help

Settling, no more

2006-02-14T12:09:00.000-08:00

As the ugly V-day approaches I have had a lot of time to think about love. It will be the first time in 4 years that I wll be alone on this wonderful holiday. Anyhow I am here today because I have decided that I refuse to settle for something less then what I wanted. See my best friend J has found someone to spend this day with and I am forced to spend it alone. Last weekend I was feeling sorry for myself and just wanted someone to spend my time with. I was ready to settle for something that I really didn't want. I was willing to give into peer presure so that I could claim that I had someone to share this day with.

I realized that I want something better and I am sticking to it. I will go home make myself some lovely dinner, go to the gym and curse those that are eating with there partner and then go home and watch a chick flick, before I shower, and then Get ready for bed. It will be perfect. I hope you all have a great V Day

Me

Blah

2006-02-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

I was going to talk about J somemore but then I realized everything I feel right now is what I posted last time. I guess I am just struggling to find my footing. I am trying to figure out who I am now that I dont have anyone to brace me up. I guess it is about time that I develop that realtionship with my heavenly father , you know the one i should have been developing for years. aaagh why is is so stinking hard.

I wish that my family belived in arranged marriage. I think at this point i would do that. I hate dating, I hate the game, is she good enough, she isn't skinny enough and well i think she might not have anything in common, run hurry. Anyhow this probably doesn't make any sense but It does to me. Well ok I am going back to work now.

Time to let another one go

2006-02-07T14:05:00.000-08:00

I am a masochist, what can I say. I like to hurt myself but only before anyone else can. See my best friend is a guy, no offense to the girls but I cant stand being friends with you. Girls are mean so I have always had a really close guy friend. The last guy friend that left was T and it was because I had fallen for him and he couldn't see us being more then friends (whatever). Anyhow my best friend Jamie* has met a girl. This doesn't bother me what bothers me is that since A has shown up I have been booted out of the circle. J and I use to study together during the week just so we could spend time together. But I haven't seen him, other then at church, in three weeks. Well I lied we see each other 3 times a week at 5:30 am at the gym, what a lovely time sweaty and gross. My favorite. Anyhow I went to his house last night to do homework and A was there. Well they were all cuddling on the couch and being all lovely and I had to sit and watch. I cant handle that, if you are dating great but don't be all over each other with me there. Yucky!!!

Anyhow I became jealous because I cant handle not spending anytime with him, and knowing the time we use to spend together is being spent with her. So I am slowly backing out of the friend ship so that they can have there space.

I don't want to get hurt and so it is easier to leave the situation with a clean cut. Anyhow that is all I wanted to say. Have a wonderful day.
me

You blink.. its gone

2006-01-31T17:22:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel that if you blink everything that you knew existed will be gone? I felt this way this weekend. Mind you it was because I was feeling sorry for myself. Anyhow I feel like my world is changing fast and yet I am not changing with it.

My best friend has found a love, or love has found him and now I am left alone. I am truely happy for him yet at the same time I hate him for leaving me alone. I am jealous that he spends the time with her that he use to spend with me.

Life was easier once, wish it could be that way again. Remember when we were kids and we could tell someone the truth and they were just as truthful? For instance I told Todd I liked him we "dated" for a few weeks in elementary. Which really consisted of us sharing candy at recess and talking on the phone a couple of times. Then he decided he didn't like me any more and he told me so.

Why, when we get older cant we express ourselves like this anymore? Why are we afraid of hurting someones feelings. I think the truth is much nicer and safer then fibbing. Anyhow I am done for now.

Enjoy

Lasagana, Video Games, and roller skating.

2006-01-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

I know the title is long and interesting but this post is just the same old boring me complaining about men. So if you aren't interested in hearing about my boy drama you can leave knowing that you really didn't miss much.

So I had a date with B on Saturday night. He seemed really excited and I was way pumped, we were going to be on my turf where I could feel more in control. So I decide to make dinner for him so I could prove upfront that I am a good cook.

After running around all day cleaning my house, doing my laundry and making myself perfect I have to make this dinner, run to the Video store to rent Super Mario-Kart and pick up B by 6. Now that may seem like I have all day but by the time I get home from running all my errands it is 5p.m. This isn't good because Lasagana takes an hour to cook. By the time I get everything ready It is now 6, and I haven't even called to make sure that things are good. At 4:30 my brother called me and asked, like he does everyweekend, if I will babysit my nephew. He does this so he and his wife can go "Space cruising" as he calls if but really he just wants to get high. I prefer to have the baby if they are going to be partying.

Anyhow He was suppose to be there by 5:30 so that my sister could watch him at my aunts. I wanted to have the house to just B and I. Well at six my brother still hasn't shown up and I am forced to call B and see if it would be ok if I was a bit late. He agree but sounded really onrey. At 6:30 I call my brother and he is still a half hour away from my house, he agrees to meet my sister at our aunts. I go to the car and it doesn't start. I have to call my grandparents, they live 2 blocks away, and ask for a jump. I call B back and he is again ok , but not sounding very happy.

As I am waiting for my grandpa my brother finally shows up. I am a bit upset but I get over it when I see my sweet nephew. I love that kid so much, almost wish I had one of my own.. Any how that is a different story.

Ok So I finally pick up B at 7:15, we come in and then I decide to cook the French bread, I burn it . I wasn't very happy but he said it was ok. I apologized again for being late and he said he just sounded onrey because he was tired. Anyhow so after dinner he tries to help me clear the table which I think is cute. We go to the front room where I allow him to pick out which game he wants to play. He picks Mario-Kart and we proceed to play this game for 5 hrs.

At 10:30 my sister and nephew show up, my nephew is exhausted but he wont go to sleep. My sister pawns him off to me and I figure it is probably a good time for dessert, Strawberry Cheesecake.

We are eating our dessert and B had finished, I was only able to get about 2 bites in because my nephew was being so wiggly, B offered to hold him while I finished my dessert. I go to take him back and B suggests because my nephew has calmed down that he hold him till he falls asleep. Well that was a heart warmer, B doesn't have much practice with babies. Well he does it. Baby is a sleep and we resume playing. Well finally at 1:15 a.m. I suggest we call it a night.

Sunday I run into B at church were he gives me a giant hug and we chat. Later that evening I find out from a friend, who happen to talk to B's best friend, that B is interested and the reason that he was so onrey was because he thought I was going to stand him up. I may not be the nicest person, but I am not rude. Plus I really like the guy.

Anyhow I invite him to dinner and for a movie and he declines because of prior plans. Monday is a holiday and I think hey we should get together for dinner. I felt bad and wanted to make him realize that I was interested in being more then friends with him. We go to dinner, some hole in the wall restaurant that he suggested. He ended up paying and then we go roller skating. Our ward was going there for an activity and he was in charge of it. Well we get there and we are a bit early so there are only about 10 people there. He ditches me. He doesn't talk to me for the next two hours. I was quite bummed.

I assumed that he was embarrassed to be seen with me and that is why he stopped talking to me, see guys in are ward are a bit snotty and he is good friends with most of them. Any how we are leaving to go to the church for rootbeer floats. We walk out together and I turn around he is gone. He ditched me again and didn't tell me he had found another ride. I go to the church and I ask him if he is coming home with me. He thought I was propositioning him.. Funny.

Anyhow making a long story shorter I confronted him and he said he really hadn't thought about it, he wasn't embarrassed and that he wanted to go out again. So we will see what happens..

A piece of my heart is missing

2006-01-05T09:47:00.000-08:00

It has been 8 months since I stopped talking to my best friend and love of my life. For many reasons, mainly really dumb ones, we stopped talking. However there is a problem I am buying my car from him so every month I have to make a car payment to him. I usually put the money in his account and then I let him know I have made the payment. For about 5 months I have not said anything to him. However, I only have a few payments left and the car is mine, also the car is still registered to him and it expires this month. Well I called his moms house to let her know I have made the payment and see if she will have him call me so I can get all the information I need from him.

To make a long story short, he answered the phone and we ended up talking, the problem with this is we tried to catch up on everything that has happened, in my case a lot, and we talked for almost 45 minutes. The only thing is we didn't get everything worked out and he had to go.. He promised he would call me back and an hour later and he still hasn't.

I am sitting here and I feel that my heart is empty. I thought I had moved on and that I didn't need him anymore. I know I am happy and that my life will continue but then I am reminded of all the things we had and now my heart hurts. It longs to have what we had back and I know deep in my soul that that will never happen. I keep asking myself and wondering if he feels the same way. But it doesn't matter we made the decision together that we were better off with out each other. So now I find a place to put the broken piece and hope that one day someone will come along with some super glue and fix what I cant.

A break after the holiday break

2006-01-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel that you need to take a break after the one you have already taken? Well After this past holiday I could use a few days for me and me alone. I love the fact that for the first time in 19 years my whole family was together for Christmas. I also love my family but with the holiday I felt like I was running around so much that I didn't get a chance to relax. Even after Christmas I was going to take a day to veg, well that didn't happen. I actually ended up running still. I have decided that this weekend I will be staying in my Pj's from Friday when I get home from work till Sunday before church. It should be nice. I am turning off my phone and shutting out the world.

Anyhow and update about B. Well I have decided that he really isn't interested at all. See he came home last Friday and I saw him for about 2 minutes on Sunday. We said hi and then he made a mad dash for the door. I thought It would be a nice thing to invite him for dinner and a movie, well I guess I was wrong. He didn't answer his phone or call me back. Monday I had a bunch of people come over to play games so I thought I would invite B.. Well he had something he thought he had to do but if he couldn't remember it he would come. Either way he said he would call me. Well he didn't, He texted me yesterday about noon and told me that what he thought he had to do on Monday he actually had to do it on Tuesday. I feel like all of these things are excuses to not seeing me. Which is fine, just tell me you aren't interested. For someone who doesn't want to play games he sure knows how.

Why can't guys just be honest? I wish guys would just tell me how they really feel. It makes the guessing game so much easier and then I don't get confused. Needless to say I have erased his number from my phone and have no intentions of ever calling him again. If he comes and talks to me at church then good on him but that is all the effort I will make.

So school starts next Monday and I am so ready. I am sick of being bored, it will take my mind off of all the dumb things that I need to do.

I haven't written down my New Year's Resolutions so I thought I would jot a few down here.
1. Do more service projects.
2. Be nicer to my sister.
3. Work on having a relationship with my mom.
4. Lose 100 pounds or 10 pant sizes by next January.
5. Stop swearing.
6. No drinking soda, and cut back on my sugar intake.
7. Find a decent guy to date and eventually get engaged, I would love for this to happen sooner then later, but this is in the lords hands.
8. Get my Associates degree, and get accepted into the interpreting program.
9. Meet and hang out with a few new friends.
10. Make a quilt.

General thoughts

2005-12-29T16:09:00.000-08:00

Its thursday, the day before my mom and sister fly home and I realize that I will have to wait atleast another 6 months before I see them again. I didn't think that two weeks would change my life this much. It is almost like I depend on them being there, which is hard for me to admit. Mostly because I am very independant and don't really like to need anyone. Anyhow so I am thinking about what my sister is going to do. See she is 17 and I think at this age family is important. I love her and want her to be happy but I dont really think she truly is. How do you help a teenager be happy?

Anyhow I am also thinking about B.. See he comes back home tomorrow and I keep wondering when he will call me. I wonder if he is even intrested and if he isn't how ackward things will be at church. This is the first time that I have thought about being with someone for eternity.. I know I have only been on one date with the guy! However, my thought process about the whole relationship is different from any that I have had before.. Not to be weird but I haven't thought about kissing him or what will happen when he tries. But I think about meeting his family and how nice it will be to look over the alter and realize that he really wants to marry me.

Ok, so I sound really desperate I get that but I am not really. Ok on to a new subject.. I know I am speaking the evil word here but school starts in just over a week and I am not really ready. My mom just spent at least 90$ on my math book.. Is math really that important? I dont really think so but 90$ dollars that is more then my car payment. Good thing I dont have to buy a book every month I may drop out. Anyhow School should be intresting this semester. I barley passed my math with an A.. I know you all think I must be crazy but I am a high achiever I want to have straight A's I cant help it. Which is quite funny really because while I was in HS or JH for that matter I didn't care about grades at all.

I guess because nothing else in my life seems to be going the way I want I finally have something I can control. Also NO ONE else, except for me, can pass these classes for me.

Anyhow I am done just some ramblings that where floating through my head.. Have a wonderful New Years and be safe.

R

One date, two family members,and ten days later

2005-12-27T13:05:00.000-08:00

My date was wonderful. On thursday I called B just to make sure plans were still good and to tell him good luck on his performance for that night. Well Friday at work I am so nervous. My mom and sister were flying in that evening and I was going to be spending at least three hours with this guy I have liked for months.

After work on Friday I rush home, do my hair, vacuum out my car, and run to the store, I still have about 15 minutes to kill before I need to be at B's house. Well I plan the computer for awhile. After playing on the computer I decided that I need to leave. I drive to his street and then there is a problem, I cant find his house because there are no addresses on the houses. I try to call him and he doesn't answer. I am thinking that he is avoiding me. My friend calls me and I explain the situation. He tells me to walk up to one of the houses and ask for him.. Well I guess I got lucky. There were 2 houses with porch lights on so I went to the first house. There was a piece of mail in the mail box so I look at it. It has his address. I am thinking this is great. So I knock and he opens the door in a flash.

We walk to the car and get in, well I have some music playing and I am so nervous that I dont know what to say, That never happens. Anyhow I ask him to tell me about himself because I dont know anything about him. We talk for about 20 min while we drive to the resturant. Well in the car he mentions that he doesn't date because of all the drama and games. I agree and then my foot goes into my mouth, I mention that If this doesn't work out that I am giving up on dating, Smooth I know. So for the next 5 minutes I try to talk my way out of that, in the end, I end up changing the subject hoping that he isn't really paying attention.

We arrive at the pizza place and it is pact, usually there are about five tables being used. We have a 20 minute wait. This isn't good because we were already behind I was trying to find his house. Well we decide to order the pizza and then wait to be seated. Well we are seated right next to Santa clause and the Grinch. It is nice.

I must say that B has amazing eye contact, and great manners he held every door for me. Anyhow we keep talking, we end up talking about our familys, what we are doing for christmas, the family drama, and religon.. I think things are going well. Anyhow B has a head ache and doesn't seem very happy. I offer to take him home but he wants to stick it out.

We go to the theater were we watch "Chronicles of Narnia". Well we meet up with my best friends. The movie is great but B doesn't seem intrested and I am so nervous because I am afraid that he isn't having a good time. I was a bit bummed. Well I take him home and offer to talk him to his door. It was a cold night and he says only if I want to be out there. I agree. So I give him a hug, and he hugs back, I also think he may have wanted to kiss me but I could have just been imagining things. Anyhow we agree to go out again. Problem is he will be gone for 10 days over christmas. That really sucks.

The next day we have a Christmas party at church so I go. We ends up arriving about 15 minutes after I do. Well I am in a circle talking with my sisters, and my 2 best friends when he walks up to me and we talk for a minute. I think we would have talked more but we were interupted.. That Sucked but the good thing, I think, is he talked to me.

Well we have a White Elephant exchange and he sits across from me. I caught him looking at me about 3 times when our eyes met he didn't look away either. Sigh

Well Now I still have 3 days left till he is in the same state and I cant wait. Not that I am desperate but I think something good could come of this.

Well hope you all had a merry christmas, I sure did. I got everything I wanted, My whole family. Oh yeah Things are going well with my mom and sister. I still think Dixie(my mom) is trying to walk on egg shells but other then that things are going well. I love Sheena, she is very sweet and quite funny.

Anyhow Have aHappy new year and may you get all you want out of it.
R

Now or Never

2005-12-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

Ok, two posts ago I told a lovely little story about a guy that I was lusting after, well let me update.
The week after the hay ride I went to Fhe, I must admit I only went for this certain guy, Anyhow we were decorating Gingerbread houses and as far as I knew things were going well. Then he gets a phone call and decides to leave FHE and why you ask, well because of a girl or as he said a Lady. Anyhow so I am a bit bummed because I though that was my last opportunity. Well This past weekend I sang with the institute choir in our Christmas show, little did I know that he would be performing with the folk dancers.

Thursday night is dress rehearsal and I am not having a great night. I have a cold I am tired, I felt fat, I hated my outfit, and was just not having a good time. Well I walk off the stage and it is pitch dark and I hear a guy say HI Reah, I have to admit I was shocked. I thought it was my friend Chris but as my eyes adjust a bit more I realize it isn't him. I try to see who it is but then I just end up asking who it is. He tells me that is it B and I am like oh hi. I walk away, I blow it I cant believe I couldn't talk to him. The whole time I am thinking " He knows my name, He knows my name." Then I become suspicious and think that someone must have told him that I was interested in him because he has never said my name before.

Well Friday I decided that I am going to make up for being an idiot. Have you ever planned something out in your mind but when you go to do it you fail miserably? Well that is what happened. I wanted to wish him good luck before the show but I couldn't find him. During the show he was so busy running to change I couldn't talk to him then. So I have to wait until after the performance. I tell him what a great job he has done and then I cant say anything else so I walk away. Well then we have a cast party. I was all about talking to him, hoping that we could spend the rest of the weekend together. Well there never happened to be an opportunity so Again it is blown. Saturday comes and I tell him good luck again. This time he ignores me.. I have screwed up royally.

I then make myself a promise that At church I will talk to him and ask him out. Sunday morning comes and he isn't at church.. I have to take drastic measures. After church I get his number and decide right then that I will be calling him. At 4 pm I pick up the phone and call, It rings and rings. The whole time I am hoping that he wont answer, and he doesn't. I am disappointed.

I leave a message and it sounds horrible, one because I am sick and can barely talk and the second because I was so nervous. Well nine comes and goes and he still hasn't called me back.. He must be sick or I called the wrong number. I call a girl, his best friend, and ask her if I have called the right number. She asks me to hold on and then I hear her asking a guy if he had his phone, he says he does, I thought it was her fiance.. Oh no it is B.. She then repetitively tells me to call him. I explain that I have left a message and he will call me when he is ready. She wont let up and I can hear him in the back ground asking who it is.

I have to call him now. So I call, the phone rings and rings, I am preparing to leave a message and then he answers. Well after that I make a fool of myself and then I ask him out. He agrees. Now I am wishing that I hadn't. What if he was just being nice? What if he wasn't interested he was just being friendly.. All these questions are going around in my head and I cant make them stop.. I am trying not to think about it much but I don't want to fail.. Anyhow My fate with him will be decided Friday.. I will let you know how things go..

Oh yeah my mom, that I haven't seen in 19 yrs, and my sister are flying out this weekend.. I am nervous and scared.. Pray for me.

Family Reunions= Family Fights

2005-11-30T12:19:00.000-08:00

So I have discovered that family reunions are always going to end up with a family fight. See every year my dads brothers and sisters, there are 9 of them, and there families get together to have a family reunion. This year My uncle Gunn ( the oldest) was in charge and he decided it would be nice to spend Thanksgiving in Arizona. So we all drive there. It took my father, sister, and I 12 hrs to get there. Anyhow things start out great. On Thanksgiving we all start the day with a 1 or 2 mile or 10K race. After that we meet at the church, it is the only place that can hold 80+ people at one time, for lunch. Lunch was great we chatted, worked on some service projects , played a little lighting, and then decided to go to the parks for a friendly game of football.. Now two of my unlces are a bit competitive. They dont understand that two hand touch foot ball with everyone (kids from 1-52) will be playing and that it is just for fun.. Well about 40 min after we start theses two uncles start arguing, well uncle A's wife goes out and tries to get uncle A calmed down. They continue playing at this time all the girls and most of the younger children have trickled out of the game because it has lost its fun appeal. Fifteen minutes later it happens. Uncle A is going for a pass and Uncle B crashes into them. They become a tangle of limbs, Uncle C yells at 5 or 6 of my cousins and they pull the two uncles apart. Uncle A's wife is pissed off ( Uncle B's wife is holding a 4 month old and cant go to stop them) and goes into the field to stop the fight again. Well Uncle A is so pissed off that he takes my aunt by the head and pulls her to the ground. This is quite unexceptable and so my cousin, Uncle A's son, punches Uncle A in the head. Every ones starts going there own way. It is time to end the game. Uncle B ends up with a black eye, Uncle A gets his finger bit, his pride hurt and has decided that he is going to haul his family back to utah. Well Uncle A's wife tells him he can go by himself. After all that Uncle A stays in his hotel room for the rest of the day and part of the next.

Every year this happens. These two uncles ruin everyones elses fun.. I think it is time we tell them they aren't allowed to play.

It took me 5 months but I finally did it

2005-11-22T12:38:00.000-08:00

Five months ago I saw this guy, he was gorgeous. Anyhow I felt that we had a connection. When are eyes met there were sparks, well there were for me. Anyhow So I am not brave and so I havent talked to him. Well in August my ward went to BearLake and there he was. He announced that he was single and looking, my perfect opportunity, So I thought. Any how later that night we are watching a movie and I see him snuggling up with some girl. I Lost my chance, yet the rest of the weekend I dont see him with a girl at all.. Hmmm well a long story short he wasn't dating anyone and still isn't. I have just been to scared to talk to him. Until last night. We are going for a Hay ride(for family home evening) and he give the lesson. Well I happen to be near him and he says hi. Well then we are all getting on the trailer and he realizes I dont have any gloves, it was freezing and I was unprepared. I didnt know we were doing this and I can straight from school. Anyhow he offers me his gloves.. I tell you what if he asked me to marry him I would say yes.. Ok maybe not but still we end up talking and yes. I finally think I might have a chance.

Enough about that. So I am on my way to work today and I get a flat tire. It really sucks. I hate that and I dont have any money to fix it so I have to drive around on my spare until I can come up with some cash..

Well enought about me.. have a great Turkey Day.. Gobble gobble.

Its not me this time!!!

2005-11-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

So last night I am online, yes, looking for a new man to attack. When all of a sudden I get this Instant message, I had to look twice and rub my eyes. This cant be right why would he be talking to me? I am not sure usually After a few weeks I am the one writing an apology trying to make the guy understand that I am not the clingy loser that they think I am. Anyhow Jake, I know Jake, the one who stood me up twice , yes the very same one he wrote me. He asked me not to hate him, told me that he missed talking with me and asked if we could be friends. He said his sister told him I was clingy and that I should stop talking to him.. Then he tells me that he also feared that he wouldn't be able to control his hormones, Because I am soooo hot, Whatever more like he was afraid he wouldn't be attracted to me. Anyhow after about an hour of talking I finally gave him my number again. Then I told him I need to go I had to great ready for bed. He said he was hurt because before that I use to let him keep me up till eleven. Why did he think that he still had the same privledges? I am not sure. I told him if he really wanted to be my friend and make things work he was going to have to make all the effort because I was in no mood to get hurt again. He said he didn't want to hurt me, How many times have I heard that one. More then once, that is for sure.

Well now I sit and wait, yeah right. I pretend that he doesn't exist, exactly. Anyhow I have come to realize I only write about boys in here.. I am retarded.

So yesterday I got a package from my sister and mom in Texas. They sent cute halloween things. It was really nice. Only problem is I vowed that I was going to stop eating candy and then I get a whole bunch from them. . Not that I eat alot but I wanted to be really good.

I feel really dumb, see my dad calls me this morning and asks what my plans are for next weekend. I ask Why then he casually reminds me that his b-day is next week.. Man, as a daughter I really suck. In case you are wondering Sheena I remember that Dixie and your birthdays are coming up.. That reminds me What do you want you still haven't told me. I know I need to be creative but I need help.. Anyhow I guess I am done for now. I am trying to waste time because I have to wait for a program to be installed on my computer before I can continue a project.. Well I guess I will find somehting exciting to do.. Until next time.

ME

Slacker

2005-10-28T12:02:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I have been a slacker. I am sorry forgive me please. Anyhow I have been working on a new project at work and I have been a bit distracted. Just an updat on my dating life. See I had a date with this guy Jake last weekend. Well low and behold he stood me up an hour before we were suppose to go out. What is that? why can't guys just admit that they dont want to date you? I mean I didn't ask him out he asked me. Anyhow I have decided that dating isn't my thing. I am going to concentrate on me. I know I say that often but the truth is I hate dating. I hate doing my hair, obsessing about what I am going to wear, what perfume to spray on, what shoes will make my legs look skinner, ect. Anyhow I hate the game. If you like me come get me if you dont tell me and I will stay away. Honesty always works for me. Why cant guys understand that? Well I am off tonight to a Festival at an elementary for Deaf children. I cant wait It will give me the opportunity that I have been looking for.. Well have a wonderful weekend. I will try to do better.

A new way of thinking

2005-10-20T15:47:00.000-07:00

So its almost the weekend and I haven't written for a while. I Am going on two dates this weekend, both with the same guy. Friday night we will be meeting and going Ice skating. He is driving to my town but he told me that I had to plan the evening, does this mean I am responsible to pay? I guess I will take money just in case , However, my co-worker said that because it is the first date that he should have to pay. I agree. Then if we get along and he doesn't want to kill me then we will be playing pool in his town on Saturday night. I am really nervous because I think I like this guy. I know I go through men like I do dirty socks but I just haven't found one that is as intrested in me as I am with him.

An update about Gregg, he is madly in love with the girl he decided to date after me. So on to other guys. Jake that is what he has me call him, if I could I would call him Jacob, but it seems to bother him. Anyhow I like him but am completly worried. I sent him a picture of me which I hate. See it has my sisters, who are both very cute and myself in it. Next to them I look like a blimp and to make matters worse my baby sister(I say this lightly because she will kill me when she reads this, she is almost 17) Is super gorgeous.

Anyhow since he has seen the picture he has been a bit different. I am expecting the worse, and by this I mean that an hour or two before we will be going out he will call me and make up an excuse as to why we cant get together. This is my luck so I expect that worse, but hope for the best. I really do want this to work out. Before the picture he was making future plans with me now if we get throught friday things will be good.

Anyhow I decided last night that I will no longer let what boys or men think of me affect my feelings about myself. I cant stand the emotional rollercoaster that I seem to be on when I am dating.

If this doesn't work out I will be giving up the dating scene so that I can continue to make myself what I want to be. That includes in no particular order, losing 50 pounds, finishing school, getting my house in order, that includes the painting, and last but not least, figuring out where my spirituallity lies.

Well I must be off I have a midterm in Sign Language..
Sheena Thanks for the great advice I love you.

A life of celibacy

2005-10-13T08:20:00.000-07:00

It looks like I will forever be celibate. I don't understand what is wrong with me. So I go on a date, have a really good time. The guy says he likes me a lot and that he had a lot of fun. Then he tells me that he isn't ready for a serious relationship and that he has a date for next weekend. I back off and say its all in your boat. I write him and tell him to have a great week, he writes back and says he is dating the new girl. It always happens to me. I go out with a guy I think they are interested, things look good and then "Bam" they are in a relationship with in days of myself. I think I push them into a relationship so they can avoid me.

What am I doing wrong, I have tried being aggressive, submissive, flirty, and every other type a girl I can be and yet nothing works for me. It is a no win situation. If I wait for a guy to pursue me then I will never get a date. I have tried the internet thing, that is where I met "Gregg". And still here I am single and alone. Will this torture never end?

I want to be married with 5 kids. I want to wake up every morning and go to bed everynight with some man by myside and yet it seems that this is just an evil trick.. Here, your so close to your goal but NO this is not what was suppose to happen. So once again my heart breaks just a bit more.

I cried when I read his email. I am not sure why but tears streaming down my face, Why you ask? Because all I could think, Is it was my fault, I did something stupid, there must be something wrong with me.

Never again will I kiss a guy who isn't attached to my hip. Never again will I think that this is perfect until I know that it is. My heart is under lock and key until some guy will be willing to work hard to find the key that fits..

ok Enough feeling sorry for myself, I must pull myself together and work.. Later

Its that time again

2005-10-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

Halloween, It seems to be everyones favorite holiday. Is it because we can dress up as anything we want and final be ourselves? If anyone askes why we are different we can blame it on the costumes? I think that is part of it. Plus it is a time to scare, or try to scare, the crap out of ourselves.

Anyhow on another note, I havent heard from Gregg since thursday. I think his date on Saturday must have gone really well and I have been dismissed, if so I will be sorely dissapointed but I will get over it. I have been talking to this guy name Jake, he is very funny and seems quite intrested in me. We are going out next weekend, not this comming one, He is going to Lehi to help his sister cut up an Elk. Yucky, He offered to let me come down, but that doesn't sound really appealing. I guess we will see, I may be desperate enought for something to do.

I finally tlaked to this guy at church, I have been trying to get up enought nerves since July. I did it last night at FHE(family home evening) for my singles ward. WE carved pumpkins. Ok I didn't but I am saving mine so I can share the fun with my sister. Anyhow, we only talked about his pumpkin but then at least we talked.

Well things are going ok for me, I still haven't rented my basement but eventually. I keep thinking about getting a second job but with shcool I am not sure when I would have time. So I will probabaly not be going to school next semester so that I can pay off some more of my bills.

Well I suppose I should work.
Later

Avoiding Heartache

2005-10-07T13:08:00.000-07:00

So this guy Gregg, such a gentleman. Even when he says he is going to see other people he does it so well that it makes me that more intrested in him. He told me that there is a possibility for a relationship but he is unsure of what he wants. He then told me that he is trying to not be to hands on which is nice. It makes me know he is intrested in more then just sex.

He was so honest and open, I am not sure how he can think that he is immature. Anyhow that is about it. I am just being a nerd. I am excited to know that even after I was a freak that he was still intrested in getting to know me.

Well I am exhausted and so even though I am at work I am going to take a little nap.. Later

A new man

2005-10-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

So I met someone, he makes my heart swell. I went on a date with this guy I met on LDSHearts. I was a bit nervous because we had only emailed each other twice and i have talked to him on the phone for about an hour. Anyhow It was amazing. He was so hot. We met at his place where we had dinner, I was so nervous that my stomach started hurting. I couldn't poo at his house, not on the first date so I had to hold it. That sucked. Anyhow so during dinner his brother and brothers girlfriend came home. We sat and chatted with them for about ten minutes. Then we decided to go to a Haunted house. We went to Rocky pointe. It was probably the best Haunted house I have ever been to. Usually I dont get freaked out but for some reason I was a bit freaked. A long story short by the time the date was over we were holding hands. We drove back to his place and had an intresting conversation.

He invited me in and asked me if I wanted to stay and hang out. I thought about ending the date It was 10:30 and I had only had 4 hrs of sleep the night before. Well I decided to stay because I was having such a good time. We talked about everything. We ended up cuddling, he played with my hair, gave me a back rub and a feet rub, and just held me. It was sweet. By the time I looked at my watch it was 2am. I was suppose to be at my friends by 11PM. ooops! Anyhow it was like a dream come true. Everything went really well. He walked me to my car and gave me a very sweet smile.

This morning I got an email from him saying he wants to see me again soon. What does that mean? I want to see him tonight. Anyhow I guess I am done, but I like him alot. In fact I think I am falling for him. I finally found a guy who like me for me and not for what I can do for him. He makes me feel like I can be myself. I dont have to pretend or try to change. Oh I cant wait to see him.

Boys to Men

2005-09-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

So I am going on a date tomorrow. I am in completle shock, it is the second time this week that I have been asked out. Of course the boy on Tuesday called and canceled 2 hours before he was suppose to pick me up. He gave me a good excuse but I am having a hard time trying to belive him. Anyhow since then he has stopped talking to me. I think that it was a hint. The guy I am going on with tomorrow is a man. I have only date one other guy that was older then me and had he been my religon I would have married him. So there is still hope. Just kidding. Anyhow we are going to be going to his favorite resturant. It happens to be italian food, Yummy. Then we are going to be going to a Haunted house. I am excited.

So Gregg called me last night, we ended up talking for two hours about basically nothing. I love those types of conversations. With Josh I had a hard time carrying on a conversation. He would tell me to call him and then he wouldnt say anything. It really bothered me. Anyhow I am trying to get my basement finished. My tenant is moving in tomorrow and I havent finished painting her bathroom. I will be doing that all night tonight. I guess that is ok it gives me an excuse to order pizza.. Well I guess I am just rambling now so I will talk to you later.

Upside down

2005-09-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

So I have decided to compeletely redo my life. I want to find out who I am and where I really belong. I have screwed up two relationships in one week and I am going for a third. NOT really my best week for relationships.

I am afraid to be alone and yet afraid to be with someone. I dont want to get lost in the relationship and then realize there wasn't a relationship to start with. I am sure we have all felt that way. My ex-friend that I havent talked to in 5 months started texting me as of Saturday. In three days we picked up right were we left off and that isn't a good thing. We ended on a bad note and we pick up there again.

I dont understand boys, maybe that is my problem. I am trying to figure out who I am by dealing with all these boy emotions. I hate it. Why cant I find one person who is willing to except the whole package. One guy wants the physical side but has a problem with my independence, another likes my personality and everything about except that I am a bit chubby. I cant satify them all. I am just trying to work on satisfying myself and learning to except me. If I have any spare time then I will let, those who are intrested share a bit of it.

For now I am concentrating on school, and work, and working out. I dont want to hang out with anyone. My plans for the weekend are simple. Friday I sand my bathroom and prime it. Saturday I go to the gym, paint the bathroom, and clean the house, and work on the yard. Try to finish the yard work that I started two months ago.

If I have a chance I may pick up the phone and call a "friend" and watch a movie. If not then I will chill by myself.

Lonely weekend

2005-09-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

So I spent my whole weekend with my friend and his family. I was with 12+ people and I was still lonely. I am not sure what my problem is. I try to be happy and yet things get in the way.

I Called Justin on Saturday and we talked for a few minutes. He said that we could be friends and that we could try to work things out. Yet I have this feeling that because I didn't put out our chance at a realtionship is over. I dont get guys. They tell you they wont hurt you and that they want to work things out, they want to be your friend. But when you make the effort they cant recepricate. I tried to call him a few times and all I got was the answering machine.

Justin lives an hour away from me he says he doesnt have the money to drive that far. We agree to drive part way each. I dont understand because he wont return my calls or for that matter answer them. WE had a connection. I had butterflies and he said the same but now its gone and in place of the butterflies is this empty whole. I hate men.. If I was so determined to get married then I would just quite them and live my life as an old maid.

Lonely and confused

2005-09-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

Its been a little over twenty four hours since you said you werent ready to be anything and I am already missing you. See from the moment you first emailed me there was a connection. It was more then just "I think I like you". I had butterflies, we had so much in common. You made me laugh. Six hours after our first email you called me. We talked for hours and everything clicked. WE couldn't wait till the weekend we had to meet, even though it was 2:30 in the morning. You drove for an hour to see me. We were nervous, you sang for me and I melted. You were so tired. WE ended up falling asleep cuddling. When I left you were still sleeping like a baby and it was very sweet. My sister had to wake you up. We talked on the phone and you said you would call me later. Three hours later I needed to hear your voice. I called you and then you ended it. Even after everything we talked about you decided a relationship wouldn't work. Even friendship? You said that I deserved better and because you were afraid you couldn't keep your hands off of me that it was better to remain just friends. However, we will not be able to see each other we could just talk on the phone. You were afraid the temptation of being together would be to much. I was sorely dissappointed.
Now here I am at work wishing you would call me. I fill like a part of me is missing already. We had so much to look forward to but you couldn't control your hormones, or so you say. Now I am back to being lonely, except I also miss your arms around me. It hurts, I hurt and yet I cant cry.