Thursday, February 23, 2006
A good friend would be happy
So J, my best friend, has hinted that he is going to be getting married. As his best friend I should be competely ecstatic for him and yet I can't seem to make myself be. See here is the deal we are the same age, I am two weeks older, and our lives are pretty much the same. We go to the same ward, we both work full time and we both go to school. We have been inseparable for a little of a year and within 4 weeks my world has completely changes. J met a girl, A, and now they are inseparable and I am an after thought. We have near gone longer then 12 hrs without talking to each other and this week alone he has forgotten me two days in a row. See I want to be happy that he has found the love of his life and I would be except I have been wanted to get married for years now and he didn't even want to go on a date until he graduated. I have been dating and he has been on one date in the past three years. I guess I am just jealous because things seem to be handed to him. He has never really had to work for anything. When he wanted a new job the opportunity was given, his future wife was handed to him and when he needed a new car the perfect deal came up. For me I have worked hard for everything. I have put in resumes and gone out every day for weeks looking for a new job, I have had to work my butt off to find a car that I can afford, I go on a date, It seems to be going well and then the guy never calls me again. I cant seem to pull myself out of this rut of negativity. I have tried praying, reading my scriptures, being alone, pretending I am ok . Yet nothing works , How do I make myself get over these feelings and learn to be happy for him? I really want to be a good friend. I hate being "a girl" and yet that is where I am . Help
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Settling, no more
As the ugly V-day approaches I have had a lot of time to think about love. It will be the first time in 4 years that I wll be alone on this wonderful holiday. Anyhow I am here today because I have decided that I refuse to settle for something less then what I wanted. See my best friend J has found someone to spend this day with and I am forced to spend it alone. Last weekend I was feeling sorry for myself and just wanted someone to spend my time with. I was ready to settle for something that I really didn't want. I was willing to give into peer presure so that I could claim that I had someone to share this day with.
I realized that I want something better and I am sticking to it. I will go home make myself some lovely dinner, go to the gym and curse those that are eating with there partner and then go home and watch a chick flick, before I shower, and then Get ready for bed. It will be perfect. I hope you all have a great V Day
Thursday, February 09, 2006
I was going to talk about J somemore but then I realized everything I feel right now is what I posted last time. I guess I am just struggling to find my footing. I am trying to figure out who I am now that I dont have anyone to brace me up. I guess it is about time that I develop that realtionship with my heavenly father , you know the one i should have been developing for years. aaagh why is is so stinking hard.
I wish that my family belived in arranged marriage. I think at this point i would do that. I hate dating, I hate the game, is she good enough, she isn't skinny enough and well i think she might not have anything in common, run hurry. Anyhow this probably doesn't make any sense but It does to me. Well ok I am going back to work now.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Time to let another one go
I am a masochist, what can I say. I like to hurt myself but only before anyone else can. See my best friend is a guy, no offense to the girls but I cant stand being friends with you. Girls are mean so I have always had a really close guy friend. The last guy friend that left was T and it was because I had fallen for him and he couldn't see us being more then friends (whatever). Anyhow my best friend Jamie* has met a girl. This doesn't bother me what bothers me is that since A has shown up I have been booted out of the circle. J and I use to study together during the week just so we could spend time together. But I haven't seen him, other then at church, in three weeks. Well I lied we see each other 3 times a week at 5:30 am at the gym, what a lovely time sweaty and gross. My favorite. Anyhow I went to his house last night to do homework and A was there. Well they were all cuddling on the couch and being all lovely and I had to sit and watch. I cant handle that, if you are dating great but don't be all over each other with me there. Yucky!!!
Anyhow I became jealous because I cant handle not spending anytime with him, and knowing the time we use to spend together is being spent with her. So I am slowly backing out of the friend ship so that they can have there space.
I don't want to get hurt and so it is easier to leave the situation with a clean cut. Anyhow that is all I wanted to say. Have a wonderful day.