Tuesday, January 31, 2006


You blink.. its gone

Do you ever feel that if you blink everything that you knew existed will be gone? I felt this way this weekend. Mind you it was because I was feeling sorry for myself. Anyhow I feel like my world is changing fast and yet I am not changing with it.

My best friend has found a love, or love has found him and now I am left alone. I am truely happy for him yet at the same time I hate him for leaving me alone. I am jealous that he spends the time with her that he use to spend with me.

Life was easier once, wish it could be that way again. Remember when we were kids and we could tell someone the truth and they were just as truthful? For instance I told Todd I liked him we "dated" for a few weeks in elementary. Which really consisted of us sharing candy at recess and talking on the phone a couple of times. Then he decided he didn't like me any more and he told me so.

Why, when we get older cant we express ourselves like this anymore? Why are we afraid of hurting someones feelings. I think the truth is much nicer and safer then fibbing. Anyhow I am done for now.


Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Lasagana, Video Games, and roller skating.

I know the title is long and interesting but this post is just the same old boring me complaining about men. So if you aren't interested in hearing about my boy drama you can leave knowing that you really didn't miss much.

So I had a date with B on Saturday night. He seemed really excited and I was way pumped, we were going to be on my turf where I could feel more in control. So I decide to make dinner for him so I could prove upfront that I am a good cook.

After running around all day cleaning my house, doing my laundry and making myself perfect I have to make this dinner, run to the Video store to rent Super Mario-Kart and pick up B by 6. Now that may seem like I have all day but by the time I get home from running all my errands it is 5p.m. This isn't good because Lasagana takes an hour to cook. By the time I get everything ready It is now 6, and I haven't even called to make sure that things are good. At 4:30 my brother called me and asked, like he does everyweekend, if I will babysit my nephew. He does this so he and his wife can go "Space cruising" as he calls if but really he just wants to get high. I prefer to have the baby if they are going to be partying.

Anyhow He was suppose to be there by 5:30 so that my sister could watch him at my aunts. I wanted to have the house to just B and I. Well at six my brother still hasn't shown up and I am forced to call B and see if it would be ok if I was a bit late. He agree but sounded really onrey. At 6:30 I call my brother and he is still a half hour away from my house, he agrees to meet my sister at our aunts. I go to the car and it doesn't start. I have to call my grandparents, they live 2 blocks away, and ask for a jump. I call B back and he is again ok , but not sounding very happy.

As I am waiting for my grandpa my brother finally shows up. I am a bit upset but I get over it when I see my sweet nephew. I love that kid so much, almost wish I had one of my own.. Any how that is a different story.

Ok So I finally pick up B at 7:15, we come in and then I decide to cook the French bread, I burn it . I wasn't very happy but he said it was ok. I apologized again for being late and he said he just sounded onrey because he was tired. Anyhow so after dinner he tries to help me clear the table which I think is cute. We go to the front room where I allow him to pick out which game he wants to play. He picks Mario-Kart and we proceed to play this game for 5 hrs.

At 10:30 my sister and nephew show up, my nephew is exhausted but he wont go to sleep. My sister pawns him off to me and I figure it is probably a good time for dessert, Strawberry Cheesecake.

We are eating our dessert and B had finished, I was only able to get about 2 bites in because my nephew was being so wiggly, B offered to hold him while I finished my dessert. I go to take him back and B suggests because my nephew has calmed down that he hold him till he falls asleep. Well that was a heart warmer, B doesn't have much practice with babies. Well he does it. Baby is a sleep and we resume playing. Well finally at 1:15 a.m. I suggest we call it a night.

Sunday I run into B at church were he gives me a giant hug and we chat. Later that evening I find out from a friend, who happen to talk to B's best friend, that B is interested and the reason that he was so onrey was because he thought I was going to stand him up. I may not be the nicest person, but I am not rude. Plus I really like the guy.

Anyhow I invite him to dinner and for a movie and he declines because of prior plans. Monday is a holiday and I think hey we should get together for dinner. I felt bad and wanted to make him realize that I was interested in being more then friends with him. We go to dinner, some hole in the wall restaurant that he suggested. He ended up paying and then we go roller skating. Our ward was going there for an activity and he was in charge of it. Well we get there and we are a bit early so there are only about 10 people there. He ditches me. He doesn't talk to me for the next two hours. I was quite bummed.

I assumed that he was embarrassed to be seen with me and that is why he stopped talking to me, see guys in are ward are a bit snotty and he is good friends with most of them. Any how we are leaving to go to the church for rootbeer floats. We walk out together and I turn around he is gone. He ditched me again and didn't tell me he had found another ride. I go to the church and I ask him if he is coming home with me. He thought I was propositioning him.. Funny.

Anyhow making a long story shorter I confronted him and he said he really hadn't thought about it, he wasn't embarrassed and that he wanted to go out again. So we will see what happens..

Thursday, January 05, 2006


A piece of my heart is missing

It has been 8 months since I stopped talking to my best friend and love of my life. For many reasons, mainly really dumb ones, we stopped talking. However there is a problem I am buying my car from him so every month I have to make a car payment to him. I usually put the money in his account and then I let him know I have made the payment. For about 5 months I have not said anything to him. However, I only have a few payments left and the car is mine, also the car is still registered to him and it expires this month. Well I called his moms house to let her know I have made the payment and see if she will have him call me so I can get all the information I need from him.

To make a long story short, he answered the phone and we ended up talking, the problem with this is we tried to catch up on everything that has happened, in my case a lot, and we talked for almost 45 minutes. The only thing is we didn't get everything worked out and he had to go.. He promised he would call me back and an hour later and he still hasn't.

I am sitting here and I feel that my heart is empty. I thought I had moved on and that I didn't need him anymore. I know I am happy and that my life will continue but then I am reminded of all the things we had and now my heart hurts. It longs to have what we had back and I know deep in my soul that that will never happen. I keep asking myself and wondering if he feels the same way. But it doesn't matter we made the decision together that we were better off with out each other. So now I find a place to put the broken piece and hope that one day someone will come along with some super glue and fix what I cant.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006


A break after the holiday break

Do you ever feel that you need to take a break after the one you have already taken? Well After this past holiday I could use a few days for me and me alone. I love the fact that for the first time in 19 years my whole family was together for Christmas. I also love my family but with the holiday I felt like I was running around so much that I didn't get a chance to relax. Even after Christmas I was going to take a day to veg, well that didn't happen. I actually ended up running still. I have decided that this weekend I will be staying in my Pj's from Friday when I get home from work till Sunday before church. It should be nice. I am turning off my phone and shutting out the world.

Anyhow and update about B. Well I have decided that he really isn't interested at all. See he came home last Friday and I saw him for about 2 minutes on Sunday. We said hi and then he made a mad dash for the door. I thought It would be a nice thing to invite him for dinner and a movie, well I guess I was wrong. He didn't answer his phone or call me back. Monday I had a bunch of people come over to play games so I thought I would invite B.. Well he had something he thought he had to do but if he couldn't remember it he would come. Either way he said he would call me. Well he didn't, He texted me yesterday about noon and told me that what he thought he had to do on Monday he actually had to do it on Tuesday. I feel like all of these things are excuses to not seeing me. Which is fine, just tell me you aren't interested. For someone who doesn't want to play games he sure knows how.

Why can't guys just be honest? I wish guys would just tell me how they really feel. It makes the guessing game so much easier and then I don't get confused. Needless to say I have erased his number from my phone and have no intentions of ever calling him again. If he comes and talks to me at church then good on him but that is all the effort I will make.

So school starts next Monday and I am so ready. I am sick of being bored, it will take my mind off of all the dumb things that I need to do.

I haven't written down my New Year's Resolutions so I thought I would jot a few down here.
1. Do more service projects.
2. Be nicer to my sister.
3. Work on having a relationship with my mom.
4. Lose 100 pounds or 10 pant sizes by next January.
5. Stop swearing.
6. No drinking soda, and cut back on my sugar intake.
7. Find a decent guy to date and eventually get engaged, I would love for this to happen sooner then later, but this is in the lords hands.
8. Get my Associates degree, and get accepted into the interpreting program.
9. Meet and hang out with a few new friends.
10. Make a quilt.

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