Friday, October 28, 2005



I have to admit I have been a slacker. I am sorry forgive me please. Anyhow I have been working on a new project at work and I have been a bit distracted. Just an updat on my dating life. See I had a date with this guy Jake last weekend. Well low and behold he stood me up an hour before we were suppose to go out. What is that? why can't guys just admit that they dont want to date you? I mean I didn't ask him out he asked me. Anyhow I have decided that dating isn't my thing. I am going to concentrate on me. I know I say that often but the truth is I hate dating. I hate doing my hair, obsessing about what I am going to wear, what perfume to spray on, what shoes will make my legs look skinner, ect. Anyhow I hate the game. If you like me come get me if you dont tell me and I will stay away. Honesty always works for me. Why cant guys understand that? Well I am off tonight to a Festival at an elementary for Deaf children. I cant wait It will give me the opportunity that I have been looking for.. Well have a wonderful weekend. I will try to do better.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


A new way of thinking

So its almost the weekend and I haven't written for a while. I Am going on two dates this weekend, both with the same guy. Friday night we will be meeting and going Ice skating. He is driving to my town but he told me that I had to plan the evening, does this mean I am responsible to pay? I guess I will take money just in case , However, my co-worker said that because it is the first date that he should have to pay. I agree. Then if we get along and he doesn't want to kill me then we will be playing pool in his town on Saturday night. I am really nervous because I think I like this guy. I know I go through men like I do dirty socks but I just haven't found one that is as intrested in me as I am with him.

An update about Gregg, he is madly in love with the girl he decided to date after me. So on to other guys. Jake that is what he has me call him, if I could I would call him Jacob, but it seems to bother him. Anyhow I like him but am completly worried. I sent him a picture of me which I hate. See it has my sisters, who are both very cute and myself in it. Next to them I look like a blimp and to make matters worse my baby sister(I say this lightly because she will kill me when she reads this, she is almost 17) Is super gorgeous.

Anyhow since he has seen the picture he has been a bit different. I am expecting the worse, and by this I mean that an hour or two before we will be going out he will call me and make up an excuse as to why we cant get together. This is my luck so I expect that worse, but hope for the best. I really do want this to work out. Before the picture he was making future plans with me now if we get throught friday things will be good.

Anyhow I decided last night that I will no longer let what boys or men think of me affect my feelings about myself. I cant stand the emotional rollercoaster that I seem to be on when I am dating.

If this doesn't work out I will be giving up the dating scene so that I can continue to make myself what I want to be. That includes in no particular order, losing 50 pounds, finishing school, getting my house in order, that includes the painting, and last but not least, figuring out where my spirituallity lies.

Well I must be off I have a midterm in Sign Language..
Sheena Thanks for the great advice I love you.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


A life of celibacy

It looks like I will forever be celibate. I don't understand what is wrong with me. So I go on a date, have a really good time. The guy says he likes me a lot and that he had a lot of fun. Then he tells me that he isn't ready for a serious relationship and that he has a date for next weekend. I back off and say its all in your boat. I write him and tell him to have a great week, he writes back and says he is dating the new girl. It always happens to me. I go out with a guy I think they are interested, things look good and then "Bam" they are in a relationship with in days of myself. I think I push them into a relationship so they can avoid me.

What am I doing wrong, I have tried being aggressive, submissive, flirty, and every other type a girl I can be and yet nothing works for me. It is a no win situation. If I wait for a guy to pursue me then I will never get a date. I have tried the internet thing, that is where I met "Gregg". And still here I am single and alone. Will this torture never end?

I want to be married with 5 kids. I want to wake up every morning and go to bed everynight with some man by myside and yet it seems that this is just an evil trick.. Here, your so close to your goal but NO this is not what was suppose to happen. So once again my heart breaks just a bit more.

I cried when I read his email. I am not sure why but tears streaming down my face, Why you ask? Because all I could think, Is it was my fault, I did something stupid, there must be something wrong with me.

Never again will I kiss a guy who isn't attached to my hip. Never again will I think that this is perfect until I know that it is. My heart is under lock and key until some guy will be willing to work hard to find the key that fits..

ok Enough feeling sorry for myself, I must pull myself together and work.. Later

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Its that time again

Halloween, It seems to be everyones favorite holiday. Is it because we can dress up as anything we want and final be ourselves? If anyone askes why we are different we can blame it on the costumes? I think that is part of it. Plus it is a time to scare, or try to scare, the crap out of ourselves.

Anyhow on another note, I havent heard from Gregg since thursday. I think his date on Saturday must have gone really well and I have been dismissed, if so I will be sorely dissapointed but I will get over it. I have been talking to this guy name Jake, he is very funny and seems quite intrested in me. We are going out next weekend, not this comming one, He is going to Lehi to help his sister cut up an Elk. Yucky, He offered to let me come down, but that doesn't sound really appealing. I guess we will see, I may be desperate enought for something to do.

I finally tlaked to this guy at church, I have been trying to get up enought nerves since July. I did it last night at FHE(family home evening) for my singles ward. WE carved pumpkins. Ok I didn't but I am saving mine so I can share the fun with my sister. Anyhow, we only talked about his pumpkin but then at least we talked.

Well things are going ok for me, I still haven't rented my basement but eventually. I keep thinking about getting a second job but with shcool I am not sure when I would have time. So I will probabaly not be going to school next semester so that I can pay off some more of my bills.

Well I suppose I should work.

Friday, October 07, 2005


Avoiding Heartache

So this guy Gregg, such a gentleman. Even when he says he is going to see other people he does it so well that it makes me that more intrested in him. He told me that there is a possibility for a relationship but he is unsure of what he wants. He then told me that he is trying to not be to hands on which is nice. It makes me know he is intrested in more then just sex.

He was so honest and open, I am not sure how he can think that he is immature. Anyhow that is about it. I am just being a nerd. I am excited to know that even after I was a freak that he was still intrested in getting to know me.

Well I am exhausted and so even though I am at work I am going to take a little nap.. Later

Monday, October 03, 2005


A new man

So I met someone, he makes my heart swell. I went on a date with this guy I met on LDSHearts. I was a bit nervous because we had only emailed each other twice and i have talked to him on the phone for about an hour. Anyhow It was amazing. He was so hot. We met at his place where we had dinner, I was so nervous that my stomach started hurting. I couldn't poo at his house, not on the first date so I had to hold it. That sucked. Anyhow so during dinner his brother and brothers girlfriend came home. We sat and chatted with them for about ten minutes. Then we decided to go to a Haunted house. We went to Rocky pointe. It was probably the best Haunted house I have ever been to. Usually I dont get freaked out but for some reason I was a bit freaked. A long story short by the time the date was over we were holding hands. We drove back to his place and had an intresting conversation.

He invited me in and asked me if I wanted to stay and hang out. I thought about ending the date It was 10:30 and I had only had 4 hrs of sleep the night before. Well I decided to stay because I was having such a good time. We talked about everything. We ended up cuddling, he played with my hair, gave me a back rub and a feet rub, and just held me. It was sweet. By the time I looked at my watch it was 2am. I was suppose to be at my friends by 11PM. ooops! Anyhow it was like a dream come true. Everything went really well. He walked me to my car and gave me a very sweet smile.

This morning I got an email from him saying he wants to see me again soon. What does that mean? I want to see him tonight. Anyhow I guess I am done, but I like him alot. In fact I think I am falling for him. I finally found a guy who like me for me and not for what I can do for him. He makes me feel like I can be myself. I dont have to pretend or try to change. Oh I cant wait to see him.

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