Friday, September 30, 2005


Boys to Men

So I am going on a date tomorrow. I am in completle shock, it is the second time this week that I have been asked out. Of course the boy on Tuesday called and canceled 2 hours before he was suppose to pick me up. He gave me a good excuse but I am having a hard time trying to belive him. Anyhow since then he has stopped talking to me. I think that it was a hint. The guy I am going on with tomorrow is a man. I have only date one other guy that was older then me and had he been my religon I would have married him. So there is still hope. Just kidding. Anyhow we are going to be going to his favorite resturant. It happens to be italian food, Yummy. Then we are going to be going to a Haunted house. I am excited.

So Gregg called me last night, we ended up talking for two hours about basically nothing. I love those types of conversations. With Josh I had a hard time carrying on a conversation. He would tell me to call him and then he wouldnt say anything. It really bothered me. Anyhow I am trying to get my basement finished. My tenant is moving in tomorrow and I havent finished painting her bathroom. I will be doing that all night tonight. I guess that is ok it gives me an excuse to order pizza.. Well I guess I am just rambling now so I will talk to you later.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Upside down

So I have decided to compeletely redo my life. I want to find out who I am and where I really belong. I have screwed up two relationships in one week and I am going for a third. NOT really my best week for relationships.

I am afraid to be alone and yet afraid to be with someone. I dont want to get lost in the relationship and then realize there wasn't a relationship to start with. I am sure we have all felt that way. My ex-friend that I havent talked to in 5 months started texting me as of Saturday. In three days we picked up right were we left off and that isn't a good thing. We ended on a bad note and we pick up there again.

I dont understand boys, maybe that is my problem. I am trying to figure out who I am by dealing with all these boy emotions. I hate it. Why cant I find one person who is willing to except the whole package. One guy wants the physical side but has a problem with my independence, another likes my personality and everything about except that I am a bit chubby. I cant satify them all. I am just trying to work on satisfying myself and learning to except me. If I have any spare time then I will let, those who are intrested share a bit of it.

For now I am concentrating on school, and work, and working out. I dont want to hang out with anyone. My plans for the weekend are simple. Friday I sand my bathroom and prime it. Saturday I go to the gym, paint the bathroom, and clean the house, and work on the yard. Try to finish the yard work that I started two months ago.

If I have a chance I may pick up the phone and call a "friend" and watch a movie. If not then I will chill by myself.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Lonely weekend

So I spent my whole weekend with my friend and his family. I was with 12+ people and I was still lonely. I am not sure what my problem is. I try to be happy and yet things get in the way.

I Called Justin on Saturday and we talked for a few minutes. He said that we could be friends and that we could try to work things out. Yet I have this feeling that because I didn't put out our chance at a realtionship is over. I dont get guys. They tell you they wont hurt you and that they want to work things out, they want to be your friend. But when you make the effort they cant recepricate. I tried to call him a few times and all I got was the answering machine.

Justin lives an hour away from me he says he doesnt have the money to drive that far. We agree to drive part way each. I dont understand because he wont return my calls or for that matter answer them. WE had a connection. I had butterflies and he said the same but now its gone and in place of the butterflies is this empty whole. I hate men.. If I was so determined to get married then I would just quite them and live my life as an old maid.

Friday, September 02, 2005


Lonely and confused

Its been a little over twenty four hours since you said you werent ready to be anything and I am already missing you. See from the moment you first emailed me there was a connection. It was more then just "I think I like you". I had butterflies, we had so much in common. You made me laugh. Six hours after our first email you called me. We talked for hours and everything clicked. WE couldn't wait till the weekend we had to meet, even though it was 2:30 in the morning. You drove for an hour to see me. We were nervous, you sang for me and I melted. You were so tired. WE ended up falling asleep cuddling. When I left you were still sleeping like a baby and it was very sweet. My sister had to wake you up. We talked on the phone and you said you would call me later. Three hours later I needed to hear your voice. I called you and then you ended it. Even after everything we talked about you decided a relationship wouldn't work. Even friendship? You said that I deserved better and because you were afraid you couldn't keep your hands off of me that it was better to remain just friends. However, we will not be able to see each other we could just talk on the phone. You were afraid the temptation of being together would be to much. I was sorely dissappointed.
Now here I am at work wishing you would call me. I fill like a part of me is missing already. We had so much to look forward to but you couldn't control your hormones, or so you say. Now I am back to being lonely, except I also miss your arms around me. It hurts, I hurt and yet I cant cry.

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