Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Ones you love

It is intresting to me how much love you can have for someone. On my birthday the love of my life proved to me just how right he is for me and how much I really need him. See yesterday was my birthday and things weren't going as well as I would have pictured. Some people in my family, ones that are really important to me, feel that I shouldn't be getting married. He( the family member) cant seem to be happy for anyone who is happy because he isn't happy himself. When he found out I was getting married he tried to make everything about him. Anyhow he called me and wished me a happy birthday, talked to me about family things, and left me in tears. I call my favorite Aunt to ask about a rumor and find out many horrible things that have happened to my family. Anyhow I am feeling overwhelmed because I am stressed about the wedding, Finals, work, my family, and my father telling me I shouldn't get married and then Josh, my beloved, called and told me he wouldn't be coming to my house until today. I needed him so he decided to come up. I had gone straight home to find my house decorated, 2 dozen red roses on the table, and dinner cooking in the crock pot. I went and laid down and then Josh came in my room and held me. He just held me and let me talk to him until I felt good enough to continue the day.

I have never had the feeling that every thing would be ok, just because I was in his arms. Love is such a great feeling. I pray that everyone will be able to feel this feeling at least once in there life time.

Keep your chins up

Thursday, March 30, 2006


IT has finally happend

So I am engaged. I just sort of happened. I was dating this guy for about 3 weeks and one night we were talking and decided that we were ready to get married. I know alot of people would be shocked at how fast it happened but it hasn't felt like that. Since the first time we meet , in person, it has felt like we belonged together. We actually meet on-line last July. It has been awsome. I am so overwhelmed with wedding plans that I feel like that is all I can handle.
He is perfect for me, he is so completely different then me that it makes me feel comforted to be with him. Well I must go now but I just had to say it happend and before I turned 26.

Thursday, February 23, 2006


A good friend would be happy

So J, my best friend, has hinted that he is going to be getting married. As his best friend I should be competely ecstatic for him and yet I can't seem to make myself be. See here is the deal we are the same age, I am two weeks older, and our lives are pretty much the same. We go to the same ward, we both work full time and we both go to school. We have been inseparable for a little of a year and within 4 weeks my world has completely changes. J met a girl, A, and now they are inseparable and I am an after thought. We have near gone longer then 12 hrs without talking to each other and this week alone he has forgotten me two days in a row. See I want to be happy that he has found the love of his life and I would be except I have been wanted to get married for years now and he didn't even want to go on a date until he graduated. I have been dating and he has been on one date in the past three years. I guess I am just jealous because things seem to be handed to him. He has never really had to work for anything. When he wanted a new job the opportunity was given, his future wife was handed to him and when he needed a new car the perfect deal came up. For me I have worked hard for everything. I have put in resumes and gone out every day for weeks looking for a new job, I have had to work my butt off to find a car that I can afford, I go on a date, It seems to be going well and then the guy never calls me again. I cant seem to pull myself out of this rut of negativity. I have tried praying, reading my scriptures, being alone, pretending I am ok . Yet nothing works , How do I make myself get over these feelings and learn to be happy for him? I really want to be a good friend. I hate being "a girl" and yet that is where I am . Help

Tuesday, February 14, 2006


Settling, no more

As the ugly V-day approaches I have had a lot of time to think about love. It will be the first time in 4 years that I wll be alone on this wonderful holiday. Anyhow I am here today because I have decided that I refuse to settle for something less then what I wanted. See my best friend J has found someone to spend this day with and I am forced to spend it alone. Last weekend I was feeling sorry for myself and just wanted someone to spend my time with. I was ready to settle for something that I really didn't want. I was willing to give into peer presure so that I could claim that I had someone to share this day with.

I realized that I want something better and I am sticking to it. I will go home make myself some lovely dinner, go to the gym and curse those that are eating with there partner and then go home and watch a chick flick, before I shower, and then Get ready for bed. It will be perfect. I hope you all have a great V Day


Thursday, February 09, 2006



I was going to talk about J somemore but then I realized everything I feel right now is what I posted last time. I guess I am just struggling to find my footing. I am trying to figure out who I am now that I dont have anyone to brace me up. I guess it is about time that I develop that realtionship with my heavenly father , you know the one i should have been developing for years. aaagh why is is so stinking hard.

I wish that my family belived in arranged marriage. I think at this point i would do that. I hate dating, I hate the game, is she good enough, she isn't skinny enough and well i think she might not have anything in common, run hurry. Anyhow this probably doesn't make any sense but It does to me. Well ok I am going back to work now.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006


Time to let another one go

I am a masochist, what can I say. I like to hurt myself but only before anyone else can. See my best friend is a guy, no offense to the girls but I cant stand being friends with you. Girls are mean so I have always had a really close guy friend. The last guy friend that left was T and it was because I had fallen for him and he couldn't see us being more then friends (whatever). Anyhow my best friend Jamie* has met a girl. This doesn't bother me what bothers me is that since A has shown up I have been booted out of the circle. J and I use to study together during the week just so we could spend time together. But I haven't seen him, other then at church, in three weeks. Well I lied we see each other 3 times a week at 5:30 am at the gym, what a lovely time sweaty and gross. My favorite. Anyhow I went to his house last night to do homework and A was there. Well they were all cuddling on the couch and being all lovely and I had to sit and watch. I cant handle that, if you are dating great but don't be all over each other with me there. Yucky!!!

Anyhow I became jealous because I cant handle not spending anytime with him, and knowing the time we use to spend together is being spent with her. So I am slowly backing out of the friend ship so that they can have there space.

I don't want to get hurt and so it is easier to leave the situation with a clean cut. Anyhow that is all I wanted to say. Have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


You blink.. its gone

Do you ever feel that if you blink everything that you knew existed will be gone? I felt this way this weekend. Mind you it was because I was feeling sorry for myself. Anyhow I feel like my world is changing fast and yet I am not changing with it.

My best friend has found a love, or love has found him and now I am left alone. I am truely happy for him yet at the same time I hate him for leaving me alone. I am jealous that he spends the time with her that he use to spend with me.

Life was easier once, wish it could be that way again. Remember when we were kids and we could tell someone the truth and they were just as truthful? For instance I told Todd I liked him we "dated" for a few weeks in elementary. Which really consisted of us sharing candy at recess and talking on the phone a couple of times. Then he decided he didn't like me any more and he told me so.

Why, when we get older cant we express ourselves like this anymore? Why are we afraid of hurting someones feelings. I think the truth is much nicer and safer then fibbing. Anyhow I am done for now.


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